Its not every day I find myself not hopeful, uneventful, or down.  But for the past few days, I have.  Sure, Sure push through, look on the bright side and all sorts of other positive thoughts have run through my mind (and helped) but I find myself at yet another crossroads.  If my life were a railroad, it’d be riddled with switches, transfers and stations each one calling to me.  Each one with its own set of value statements designed to change my course, or get off at the next station.

How could someone as sure, as confident, as determined as me get so far from a direction, a point, a target to be acquired and achieved?  As I look back over the last 10 years, while positive, sadness sets in and resent.  Resent that once here stood a man full of vigor and tenacity with direction, and now stands a man unsure of exactly where he stands.  Did I get off at the right station?  Have I pulled the correct levers and directed this train on the right trajectory?

I know God has plans, and I know he’s a pro at cleaning up mine… but for once in my life mortality is setting in, thoughts of having savings set aside, how much longer can I make it all happen, and most importantly – do I have this steam engine going the right way because my family is on board.  Do we live in the right town?  Were we supposed to leave Virginia just 5 short, incredibly long years ago?  Nashville, you comforted us, you broke us.  Cali oh so beautiful, oh so hard.

The common thread?  Ministry.  For the past 10 years I’ve been conflicted over my time spent making money vs my time spent changing lives.  Sure, both can be done at once and I know some INCREDIBLE business owners doing that – but for me, it seems, the only thing that breathes, that invigorates, that keeps me full steam ahead is being on the forefront of ministry.  The conflict, is trusting that my needs will be met, my family will be taken care of, and the future is being thought of.  I just want to fall back and trust, but what if I’m wrong?  What if I’m just supposed to hang up my 10 years in ministry for good and run a business, make money, and support ministries?  Perhaps I went into ministry for selfish reasons, not realizing it.

I’ve been SO SURE of something for years, and nothing lights me up more than time spent in it, but now everything seems so unsure.  Perhaps its like a bad headache and will pass but right now, I’ve risked it all (again).  And quite frankly, I’m having second thoughts.  It would be SO EASY to be money and success motivated again! It was a moving target, always getting set farther and farther out with rewards along the way!  Cars, houses, vacations – provision!  Oh and status!  Who doesn’t like that?  But then, I jerk myself back into reality and realize – when I had all that, I was empty, and my heart yearned to have less, do more, and rely solely on God.  I was offered the chance to save my stuff and I turned it down KNOWING it wasn’t for me, at least not then.

So here I am.  And there He is.  Always sovereign, always ready, unmistakably loving and good.  The battle within is real though, not gonna lie.   Take the wheel and make the money, or let Him keep driving, my family and I in the back seat.  We fear where He will take us, we have dreams, desires, things we want to achieve, do, own and experience.  Will He honor those or are they selfish of us?  Do we get a say so, or by giving up and relenting does He give what will make us happier anyways?

I’m stuck in the entitled mentality that serving God should come with ‘all the things’ when indeed that’s not always the case.  I need a reset, a direction, a big picture but I’m afraid my big picture may just be that – mine.  Oh God solidify a direction in me.  10 years of listening, 5 years of wandering, and in some ways we’re so much closer, yet I don’t hear Your voice today.  Oh I know You’re there, but I’m impatient.  Here am I, Send me. (fast).  We want to be home, settled, sure, patterned, and affective – but here we are far, restless, fearful, all over and lacking.  Surely you have a plan, most definitely You know our steps.  You know I’ll follow you anywhere, only afraid of myself along the way.  Hear my prayer, answer in Your time.  Until then, I’ll wait patiently and rest; something I don’t wish to do.

Amen