5 months ago, at what was the end of an amazing season, I left a job I both loved and loathed. For the 3 years prior, I was involved in youth ministry at Journey Church, a place I walked into by “chance” several years ago…
I remember sitting in the back row with a buddy, Cody Clark, my first time
at Journey and seeing the pastor get up and very open handedly encourage the
large group of misfits and world wanderers to respond to the time and space
given during worship however they wanted. Worship, Journal, sit, stand… No expectations. Just BE. I was hooked. It felt so right, so comfortable, so welcoming
and so not difficult or confusing to be IN worship with the Creator of the universe.
Unfortunately, in the three years on staff there, somewhere along the way I changed. What once was an energetic “conquer anything” soul, became something very different. Something I’ll never be proud of, albeit glad I can look back and see it. You see, amidst the best memories made, little by little I collected things, and not the things you should place on a shelf and admire. I collected entitlement, bitterness, anger, and a really tight “Arms Crossed” “Prove it to me” daily rhythm. Where once was a guy that gave the benefit of the doubt always, was now someone that didn’t consider what was going on in the heart of the other person he was so offended by. Gone were the days of saying, “I’m sure that’s not what he meant”, reigning in the new days of “HOW COULD THEY!”s and “WHAT ARE THEY THINKING!”s. I had become what I hated most – those that never stop and consider what others are going through, jumping to conclusions because hey, conclusions make the best stories, right?
It happened so slow. So incremental. Cloaked in the entitlement that I deserved to be seen. Hidden in the importance of doing God’s work. Defended by the bitterness of not getting what I “needed” (what I “deserved…”). Ugh. We are so ugly inside, yeah?
This past weekend, I went back to Nashville & Franklin for the first time in 5 months. It felt just like the first time. I stepped off the plane into the airport, welcomed by Tim McGraw on the loud speaker and immediately felt like I was home. I was welcomed “Journey Youth” style with a surprise party where hugs, tears, and catch-ups were had over chips, brownies, drinks, a fire pit and fun. I met with dozens of you over the 4 days there – heck I binged and hit up all 4 gatherings! (don’t judge…). As I stepped into the first gathering’s worship – I stepped into a space that isn’t optimal. It isn’t nearly what we had at the Factory and it surely isn’t the space we’ve dreamed of but let me tell you – I stepped into the same Journey that grabbed my heart and comforted my soul years ago in the Factory. That new room with covered trophies and hidden foam floor carries with it the same spirit of openness, acceptance, and grace that Journey has valued since day one. It. Felt. So. Good.
As I walked out into the hall to catch as many people as I could someone came up to me and said, “so… what’d ya think about this building…” I replied with “OH! SO GOOD! I THINK ITS AWESOME” This was not the response they were looking for. You see they too have become tired, bitter, entitled, spoiled and unhappy. It immediately hit me, and my heart grieved. I had other conversations that weekend and did my best to encourage but this is the reason for my letter to you – Don’t Give Up. And Don’t Give Up on Journey.
I realized while driving down a backroad leading from my old house into town what I’d lost. It took me a while because I thought, “How did I become THAT guy? How did I lose that positive, motivational side of me?” What I realized is that I ran out of GRACE. I somewhere stopped giving it, got selfish, and demanded that everything be brought to me instead. It turns out that EVERYTHING that I was entitled to, I could’ve gotten elsewhere on my own. All the things I complained about were things that I could have done without, or dealt with. Sure we all have our limits but why had mine gotten so limited? I lost GRACE. My leaders, OUR leaders were and have been and still are going through some of the hardest seasons in their lives and in the life of the church and I became THAT guy needing more than they had to give at the time. My propensity to fix things for others turned into a critical eye of what was wrong that needed to be fixed by them. My encouraging words and pats on the back evolved into waiting to see if they’d do it first. My behind the scenes sticking up for those I knew were under a lot became side talk that of course directed the whole thing to poor ol’ me.
Journey! Please hear me! What you have, Who you have, Where you have it and Why you exist are perfectly, carefully, and lovingly placed right in the hands of Jesus Christ Himself. I felt it. While some of you are in touch with this and fully dependent on God for all your answers, others of you (like me) are spoiled, entitled, bitter and wrong in your waiting for a person, people, or ministry to fulfill what only God can. You ARE seen. You ARE heard. You ARE appreciated. You ARE valued. Stop grading that feeling by your surrounding partners and leaders – they will NEVER be enough. Instead – get your GRACE back and start giving them what you so long for, and what they no doubt need. You see, even thousands of years later, we still have the tendancy to turn into grumbling Israelites bitter that Moses isn’t enough. “Where are we GOING!?”. We’re stellar at pointing out a palm tree we’ve seen before on this journey through the wilderness (i.e. set up/tear down/non-optimal space), and we’re even more phenomenal at spreading the not so positive sides of well… of everything.
Wake up Journey! I’d do ANYTHING to still be only 10 minutes down the road! Embrace this season, for this season will soon be gone and those that have looked up to Him, lived IN IT, and put their hands to the plow with joy will be the ones that will be richer in spirit. Realize that the Journey you once loved is right there in front of you, its you that needs to step in its direction, not the other way around. Pray for God to open your eyes and fill you with the GRACE others so well deserve because He said so…
I Love you all & Miss you dearly, but you can keep your rain! SoCal’s weather is definitely the bomb!
Hope to see you soon here or there.
Jared Dean
Wanderer
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